A Wife’s Diary From Hubby to Bubby

Jason was very quiet on the way up, I could see he was preoccupied, and as we drove into the airport car park he suddenly blurted out. “Mummy what if she gets cross at me?”
I looked at him in surprise, “Why would she do that sweetheart?”
“She got really cross with me once before” said Jason
“Oh darling, that’s because she thought you were a man making rude comments about women”
“I wasn’t meaning to be rude Mummy” said Jason almost tearfully.
“I know sweetheart, Mummy understands, you just didn’t know any better, and Aunty Sandra understands now that your just a little boy, so we can start right from the beginning again and train you so you get things right.”
Jason was quiet for a moment, “But what if she laughs at me for being a little boy?”
Trying my best to be patient I said, “Aunty Sandra is not going to laugh at you or be cross with you just as long as you’re a good boy for Mummy. Can you tell me what that means?
“Doing what Mummy tells me.”
“And can you do that for Mummy and show Aunty Sandra what a good little boy you really are?”
“Yes Mummy!”
“Good boy! Mummy’s very proud of her little boy, and Aunty Sandra will love you too, you have nothing to worry about. Mummy knows her little one is feeling a bit anxious and shy, and she knows how to look after you. Now let me check those nappies.” I pulled down the zip of his trousers cupping my hand over the front of the nappy and jiggling it a bit to feel if the nappy was sodden. Even from the outside a dry nappy feels different to the touch than a wet one and different again to a sodden one. In the few days he has been wearing disposables I had become skilled at telling the difference just by the weight and feel of the nappy. He was wet as I expected he would be but not too wet to need a change right now. So we got out of the car and I told him that he must hold Mummy’s hand until we got into the airport terminal.

We had about half an hour wait until Sandra’s plane came in. I ordered a coffee for myself and a small milk shake for Jason, who really would have liked a coffee but I explained that coffee wasn’t good for little boys and I was pleased to see that he didn’t make a fuss. He finished his milkshake quickly and was just getting up from the table and I said “You need to ask Mummy first before you leave the table sweetheart”
Rather bashfully Joe said “Mummy can get down from the table and go upstairs and watch the planes come in?”
“Yes but you must promise Mummy that you will just stay by the window and not go anywhere else, I don’t want my little boy getting lost.” Jason eagerly promised and I finished the coffee at my leisure, marveling how naturally and easily Jason accepted my authority. Perhaps this is what he had really been waiting for.
I walked up stairs and found Jason at the window staring out at the planes. ” Come on Sweetheart its time to go down and meet Aunty Sandra she will be coming through the doors any moment.” I took his hand and we walked back down stairs together.

When Sandra came to greet us she initially ignored Jason and gave me a big hug. After asking Sandra how her flight was, I turned to Jason “Aren’t you gong to say hello to Aunty Sandra?”
Joe blushed and in a timid voice said “Hello Aunty Sandra”
Sandra gave him a big warm smile “Hello Jason” and with an inspired guess said, “Have you been watching the big planes come in?” Jason nodded shyly.
“Would you like to see the big plane that I came in?” With out waiting for an answer she took Jason by the hand and said” If you come over to the window I will show it to you. Joe, totally of guard, found himself hand in hand trotting along side Sandra to one of the windows at the far end of the downstairs floor. When they got to the window Sandra said “I came in the big blue one can you tell Aunty Sandra which is the blue one?” Jason quickly looked around to see if any body had been in earshot and pointed to the aeroplane two away from the window. Aunty Sandra beamed at him. “My you’re a clever little boy aren’t you?” Jason hung his head embarrassed. I laughed and said to Sandra “I think Jason is a bit overwhelmed, he is quite a shy little boy.”Sandra glanced down at him and said
“He is so cute Wendy! I’m sure Jason and I are going to be good friends. Do you think he would like to help push the luggage trolley out to the car?”
Joe eager to play a grown up role at last said, “I can do it all by myself!”
Sandra looked at him doubtful, and I came to the rescue “How about you push sweetheart, but I will keep a hand on the handle we don’t want to bang into anyone do we? You can still show Aunty Sandra how big and strong you are. ”
Sandra still looking doubtful, said “The bags are pretty heavy Wendy.”
Jason by this time was almost jumping out of his skin with eagerness to prove to Aunty Sandra that he really was a big strong boy. “I can do it, I can do it,” said Jason excitedly, and so it was that Jason found himself proudly pushing the trolley through the terminal with me having a steady hand on the handle. When we got to the car he moved around to the front of the trolley ready to lift the bags into the car still determined to show Aunty Sandra how grown up he really was. I immediately said “We will do these sweetheart, they are much to heavy for a little boy, that’s a grown ups job.” Joe’s frustration finally got the better of him, and he said loudly enough for a grandmotherly lady near by give me a sympathetic smile “But I can do it, I can be a grown up to!”
“Well why don’t you show Mummy and Aunty Sandra what a big boy you are and push the trolley all by yourself over there where the other ones are parked” I said pointing to a group of trolleys parked in a row about thirty yards away. “Do you think you’re big enough to do that for Mummy or shall I ask Aunty Sandra to do it.”Joe quickly said that he could do it, and left feeling slightly frustrated that his every attempt to show how grown up he was somehow left him feeling very much the little boy.

By the time Jason got back from delivering the trolley Sandra was already in the front seat of the car and I was standing by the back seat door. I whispered in a voice that Jason could not be certain whether it carried to Sandra or not “Mummy wants to check your nappies darling before we leave the car park. I don’t want my little boy to be uncomfortable on the long drive home.” Sandra of course knew exactly what was happening. Screened by the open car door I quickly felt Jason’s nappy. Of course as I suspected it was by now very wet. “You can’t change me here, I’m all right honest I am Mummy” said Jason, desperately afraid that Aunty Sandra would see his nappy change
“Well I am not having my little boy in wet nappies for the next hour and a half,” I whispered. “When I get to one of those country lay by areas I will pull over and change you then. Now hop in the back little one. Where’s Teddy I thought you put him in the back?” Jason blushed and lifted Teddy out from under the car seat rug. “Oh there he is I said with a great big smile, has Teddy been hiding? You give Teddy a cuddle, that’s a good boy.” I then fastened his safety belt and got into the car, and we drove of towards home.

I paid Jason no more attention chatting away to Sandra about her trip and our holiday plans. I knew Jason would be sitting there with lots of conflicting emotions. On the one hand much to his relief Aunty Sandra had naturally accepted him as my little boy, on the other hand his attempts at relating to her as an adult had just been swept away before they had barely started. I knew Jason still had mixed feelings about what was happening to him. He had never been a little boy to anyone but me, then only part time, and on his terms. Now it was on my terms and he had another woman as well who was treating him like a toddler. No wonder he was feeling uncertain and shy. But the big thing that was occupying his mind right now, and which I knew he was feeling very anxious about, was his next nappy change. I knew his nappy must be feeling very uncomfortable and so he would want it changed, on the other hand the very thought of Aunty Sandra seeing his wet nappy would fill him with embarrassment. In addition he knew that when I rubbed baby oil on him at nappy change time and he would be unable to disguise how a grown man enjoyed wearing a nappy and being treated like a baby. Would Aunty Sandra laugh at him? He knows that if people at work saw him in nappies they would laugh at him and he would have to stop going to work.
I knew that the deep feelings of shame he was wrestling with came from the fact that at some level he still saw himself as a man. I’m confident that once he sees himself as we do, just a little boy, shame will not be such an issue.

It was about half an hour before I found a suitable lay-by. I pulled in and turned to Sandra, “I’ve just got to attend to Jason.”
“Sure thing” said Sandra”

I got out of the car, opened the back door and got Jason to lay down. Sandra got out her book ignoring what was going on in the back of the car. I pulled Joes trousers pants right of and then removed his wet nappy with out comment. Jason lay there very tense, afraid that Sandra would turn around. “I am just going to get your nappy bag from the boot of the car darling.” I whispered. Jason lay there totally exposed, scared that Sandra would turn around. He must have felt very vulnerable because when I returned with his nappy bag I could see that he couldn’t wait for me to put him in his nappy. I gave him a quick clean with the baby wipes and then rubbed the baby oil on. “There we go sweetheart, we don’t want my little boy getting nappy rash do we?” The shame of Aunty Sandra seeing him in wet nappies seemed nothing now compared to her seeing his penis helplessly erect but still pathetically small. I continued to talk to Jason in whispers as if Sandra was not completely aware of what was going on as I slipped his thick cotton nappy under his lifted hips pulling it tightly up between his legs and fastening it with his cute ducky nappy pins. “Feet through the tunnels” I whispered as I threaded his plastic panties over his feet and pulled his plastics up to cover his nappy. Sandra meantime continued to read her book paying no attention. Finally I whispered to Jason “What do you say to Mummy darling?”
Jason whispered back, “You forgot my trousers Mummy.”
I laughed, “Don’t be a silly billy, your trousers won’t fit over those, any way you are with Mummy and Aunty Sandra now and your quite safe.”
What do you say to Mummy darling?”
“Thank you Mummy.”
“Good boy, Mummys very please with her little one” I smiled warmly at him and
climbed back into the drivers seat.
Sandra put her book away, “All set” she said
“Yes he’s much more comfy now, he might even go to sleep, its been a big day for a little boy”
By the time we got home Jason was asleep with his teddy wrapped securely in his arms. He woke to the two the two of us turning around smiling at him saying “Wake up sleepy head.”

The interesting thing to me was that for the rest of that day Jason seemed to have given up even trying to have an adult conversation with Sandra. Mind you Sandra and I were talking flat out, and I think Jason who was quietly playing with his toys on the lounge floor or watching children’s cartoons that I had video taped for him was happy just to be ignored. Clearly he was still feeling very shy in front of Aunty Sandra. After I put him to bed Sandra and I had a quiet chat about how we thought things had gone. We had a small giggle about Jason and my whispered conversation during his nappy change in the car as if that would hide from Sandra what was going on. Given time we are confident that his shyness will evaporate. Its important that he learn that toddlers aren’t allowed modesty, that busy Mummy’s haven’t got time to for that kind of stuff from their little one.

I rang Sue tonight and she commiserated with me about Joe’s infertility and complimented me on how well I had handled the conversation with Joe. She rightly pointed out that although a good start had been made we needed to take full advantage of what she felt would be a ‘honeymoon period which may only last a few weeks. Then like all little boys he was bound to push the boundaries especially as the implications of what he was losing sunk in, and he tried to assert again some adult authority in the home. In the end, for his sake and mine, those attempts need to be not just defeated but crushed in such a manner that he never has the confidence to go there again. The rest of the phone conversation was spent discussing how we would extract maximum benefit from Sue’s stay with us. It’s just three days away now.

I’m so grateful for the guidelines Sue and I have worked out for training Joey. The next few days are going to be very important in establishing boundaries and routines for my little boy. I keep discovering practical things I need to attend to now I have a full-time baby. The other day for example when I sent him off to work in his disposable nappy I forgot to put in his briefcase a plastic bag for his wet nappy. When he took it of mid-morning and put on his big boy undies [those I had put in his briefcase! he felt he had nowhere safe to put his wet nappy. In the end, he stuffed them at the back of his desk draw and at lunchtime went for a walk to a nearby park and put them in a bin.

He has never worn nappies to work before and so the first couple of days he was worried that someone might notice. Building up his confidence so that he knows he can safely wear his nappies anywhere as long as he doesn’t overwet them, is one of the little developmental tasks ahead of him. I need to be careful that I pace things at a level that little Joey can handle.

When he arrived home from work on that first night, he was really stressed. When he come in the door I said “How’s Mummies little boy” and opened up my arms. He came immediately and snuggled his head under my chin, one of the many advantages of me being so much taller than him, and as I put my arms around him and began to pat him on the back in a motherly and way he burst into tears. I immediately thought that something terrible had happened at work but it was just the tension of him not knowing what to do with his wet nappy and that someone might have discovered it before he had time to dispose of it. I led him to the bedroom changed him out of what I refer to as his ’ pretending clothes’ and put him in his nappy, plastic panties, and nursery print Tee shirt. I bought him a bottle of warm milk and as I nursed him I gently reassured him that it won’t be long before he feels as relaxed in his nappy at work as he does at home. I then tucked him up with his teddy and told him he could have a little nap before dinner. When I checked back on him twenty minutes later he was fast asleep. The poor darling was just exhausted. I think the last twenty-four hours have been a big shock for the little chap.

27th October
Tonight after tea Sandra and I were sitting on the lounge settee, Jason as usual, was playing on the floor with his lego in front of us. Jason had risen to his knees. The look of surprise and shock on his face was unmistakable. I think he was completely unaware that he was wetting his nappy but his infantile response could be clearly seen through his clear plastic panties as the yellow stain slowly spread over the front of his white nappy. My eyes moved from his sagging nappy up over his little teddy bear Tee shirt that said “I love Mummy” to where his thumb was firmly planted in his mouth. It was Sandra who spoke first. “Well there is your husband Wendy. There’s your man, risen to his knees! She laughed. I didn’t know what to say, Jason seemed powerless to respond in any way other than as a frightened little boy.

From now on what little manhood remained in him could only watch helplessly, he knew it had been banished to the sidelines to be forever teased by the privilege he once shared.

Then for the first time I heard from Jason the distinctive wail of a frightened baby calling out for his Mummy’s reassurance as tears of helplessness began to trickle down his cheeks. In that moment a look past between us that held a whole new world of meaning. We both knew in that second that all he had to offer me was his littleness and that I accepted it. I knelt on the floor some paces from him and held my arms open in a silent invitation, “Come to Mummy ” I whispered in my heart, “its going to be alright Mummy knows what her little boy needs” I knew that I spoke from that great place of wisdom and knowing that Mothers have. This was the Eden he had never wanted to be separated from, which he had yearned for and had tried to return to all his life.

Jason with his warm wet nappy helplessly sagging into his plastic panties crawled across the room and into my embrace. I could feel him relax, as he found his home.
“I think Jason well and truly knows his place now”, said Sandra gently, looking over my shoulder at the nursing baby.
“Yes this is what he wants” I said “and me too, I feel content now. I have a happy little baby and I’ve got a sexual partner too. Within these four walls we can be open about everything, no more secrets. ”

As I gazed into the eyes of my nursing baby I could find no sign of a man’s love there at all just the innocent love gaze of a baby for his Mummy. The past had become the future and the future the past. I felt my spirit reach out to his, and in that moment we seem to unite in a mysterious maternal bond. Sandra watching that moment would later say she could see an aura of gentle love engulf us all and we knew that there was now no going back. Somewhere deep in our souls the judgment had been made and nothing would erase it. Jason will be forever my little boy and I will be forever Jason’s Mummy. As I looked up at Sandra I also knew that we also would never part and we had sealed that commitment with our own bodies. Sandra’s loneliness had gone along with my sense of being a solo Mum. Together we would love each other and look after our baby. Each of us had given up something, each of us had gained so much more.

It has been four months now since I posted my account of transforming my husband into my baby. To make sense of this update you will need to read my diary posted on this site, called FROM HUBBY TO BUBBY, A WIFES DIARY.

In the four months since my last diary entry there have been some significant developments.

The first thing to report is that Joey is doing really well. I am so proud of him. He now goes equally easily to both Sue and I to have his nappy changed. The initial shyness he had with Sue has completely gone. I am so pleased as it makes life in our home much more relaxed for him and Sue is so kind and gentle, albeit in a teasing kind of way.

His biggest adjustment in the last four months arose from the decision I took that he move out of my bedroom into his own nursery designed bedroom. Joey found my decision on this difficult. He was used to cuddling up to me last thing at night and would often nurse from my breast before he went to sleep and nurse again when he woke in the morning. A routine we both enjoyed. But the truth is that the marital bed had long since ceased to have a marital function and shifting him to his own bed in his own nursery bedroom was entirely consistent with his new status in our home. I still give him time at my breast of course once I have tucked him up in his bed and usually again when I come through to him in the morning but what he misses is being close to his Mummy all night and to snuggle up to me at will.

I did feel for him and tried to compensate by involving him as much as possible in the shopping expeditions to out fit his room toddler style, allowing him to choose the themes for his room. In the end he chose a bedcover which has a glorious scene from the lost boys home in Never- Never land with Peter Pan in typical pose standing on a rocky pinnacle surveying his kingdom.
For the walls he chose a frieze of all the characters from Winnie the Poo. Sue and I have stuck these on light six inch wide light boards that now hang on hooks and travel right around the room. The room had two beds so we have made one into a changing table. We bought a Winnie the Poo style notice board and that is where his star chart is pinned.
We bought bright blue shelves to put his toys on, and above the changing table are three white shelves. One has his disposable nappies the next is where his cloth nappies and plastic panties are stacked and on the third shelf is his num nums, nappy pins, baby oil and powder are arranged. His room looks so sweet and has the unmistakable scent of baby powder, oil and soap.

The great thing about how we have decorated the room is that we can change it back into an ordinary looking room in about 30 minutes if we have guests to stay.

Even though Joey enjoyed taking part in decorating his new bedroom he has found the separation from me distressing. He began to regress, wetting his nappies at night and then coming through to my bedroom at some unearthly hour asking to be changed. Previous to this he would have waited until he woke in the morning to wet his nappy and it would stay that way until I took them off about 45 minutes later after breakfast, when he went to do number twos in the big toilet. I would then give his little penis a wash and put him into his disposable nappy ready for him to go to work.

This regressive behavior by Joey really disturbed my sleep. By the time I took his PJ pants of then pulled his plastic panties down to his ankles undone the nappy pins taken the wet nappy of put a double dry nappy on him pulled his plastics back up his legs and threaded his feet through his PJ pants again, it took a good ten minutes. By then I was wide awake. I knew however if I fought him head on it would just make matters worse, but something needed to be done.

It was Sue that came up with some ideas in an attempt to make things easier. She suggested we order plastic panties that dome at the front so they open out allowing the nappy to be changed without having to pull the plastics down to the ankles or off all together. I found a three pack on the net for a good price and ordered them. In addition she suggested that Joey wear a nightie instead of PJ’s so that I just needed to lift the night gown up to change him. I thought it a good idea.

However when Sue bought the nightie home that she had bought Joey I had my doubts about accepting it. Firstly it was unmistakably feminine. It was a baby doll come princess design with a white background and pink hearts all over it, but what really raised my eye brows were the words on the front that said “GIRL POWER RULES.”

I told Sue, “I just don’t like it, its far to girlie and besides the words don’t fit him, he’s not a girl and I don’t want to turn him into some kind of sissy boy, besides, he won’t like it.”
Sue giggled, “Silly, the words are not for him, toddlers can’t read. They are to remind us that we are in charge and not a little boy who has decided to play games ”

“He’s not playing games,” I objected hotly “he’s a little boy who is missing his Mummy and the way he is responding is understandable. We can hardly insist that he be a toddler and then punish him when he acts like one.”

This has been the first time Sue and I have had a real argument, but I felt protective of Joey.

Sue however quietly persisted. “The point is Wendy we still need to be in charge of the situation. Joey’s behaviour at night shows clearly that he has regressed to that of a younger infant and young infants are typically dressed in nightgowns precisely because mothers have to get up and change them during the night. All I’m suggesting is that we recognize that reality and dress and treat him accordingly. Anyway they don’t make boys nighties in his size after infancy. The only ones available are for girls.” I had to concede she had a point.

Sue continued,” Look there is something else that’s really important here. Toddlers don’t have a conscious sexual identity as we would think of it. It’s perhaps the biggest change he has to get used to. After years of developing a complex and pervasive adult male sexual identity, [mixed as it was with a little boy identity,] he needs to unlearn a lot of stuff. Any ideas he developed about sexual identity, his or others, after the age of two are not relevant to his relationship with us and his role as a little boy. In fact it’s more than not relevant they present a mental health danger because the longer they persist the more internal conflict, shame and guilt he will experience. All these notions of girls and boys clothes and boys and girls colours and boys and girls toys are irrelevant for him at his age. Its one of the freedoms he is entering into and we must take every opportunity to encourage this new freedom. This is a precious age of innocence and it needs to be encouraged. Look how far he has come all ready. He doesn’t give a second thought now to having a woman putting him in nappies and changing him when he is wet. He is quite unashamed now of lying there with his little penis fully exposed, or nursing at your breast in front of me, which is exactly how it should be for a little toddler, its part of their charm. For him to understand that the style and colour of his clothes need to be no concern to him now is another important step in him claiming his babyhood. For that to happen age inappropriate sexual identity needs to be challenged and modified whenever it still appears. If as you say Joey won’t like the nightie because it looks girlie or because of the words printed on it, both ideas which are actually irrelevant to a toddler, then by correcting his thinking we are doing him a great service and to allow him to continue with those ideas, a great disservice.

As far as his clothes are concerned there are only three criteria that are important, and none of them relate to sexual identity; Are the clothes easy for his mother to dress him? Are they functional for his age? And are they comfortable? The nightie certainly meets the first two criteria and I am confident the third will be met to.”

After a moments silence I said, ” You know I should have known all that, I’m sorry for getting angry at you.”
Sue looked relieved, “And I’m sorry I offended you with my comment about him ‘playing
games’ with you. It was poorly expressed. I know this is no game for him in the sense that this is very real for him. He is genuinely missing you at night, and he wants to be with his Mummy. All little children go through that stage and its sometimes very hard for the Mummy too, after all you have bonded with your little boy and so of course you will feel his emotional distress. In fact I don’t think I would be too far from the mark in saying that your emotional bond with Joey is far stronger, far deeper and more satisfying than it ever was when he was the man of the house, but you are the adult Wendy, he needs the security of you being in charge, that’s why the message on his nightie is so important for you both.”
“I’m not trying to be some super nanny here but Joey will adjust, and he will do so more quickly if you don’t talk to him during the nighttime nappy change. Change him quickly and efficiently then pop his num num into his mouth for him to nurse on and tuck his teddy down beside him and simply tell him that mummy wants him to go bye byes now. One of the cute things about little children is how much they love their num num and bond with their teddy and they do so because they have lots of occasions to discover how comforting they are when Mummy is not available. It’s a defining characteristic of babyhood and this will just strengthen it for Joey.”

I am so grateful to Sue. The emotional bonding I have developed with my little boy means that I sometimes need to hear a more objective voice. On the other hand I know Sue also need to hear the empathy and love that I have for Joey to take the edge of her feminist take on things when it gets too triumphant.

Two nights later, after I had given Joey his bath and put him in his double night time nappies I led him out to the lounge where Sue had laid out Joey’s new plastic panties and nightie. Laying him down on the floor I slipped his new plastic panties under him and domed them
up at the front. The three pack I had ordered consisted of white, blue and pink panties. I chose the pink ones because they matched the pink hearts on his nightie. I half expected Joey to make some comment, but he didn’t. But when I got him to stand to put his nightie on he said indignantly, “That’s for girls Mummy, I’m not a girl.” I had been expecting such an objection.
“That right sweetheart, your not a girl, you’re a baby aren’t you?” Joey nodded. “And these are baby clothes, little babies who wake during the night and have to be changed wear nighties because it makes it so much quicker and easier for their mummy to change them, and that’s important in the middle of the night.”
“I want to wear my PJ’s” complained Joey.
I know little one but PJ”s are for bigger boys. One day you will get to wear them again but little babies who need to be changed in the middle of the night wear a nightie.” I said firmly. “You want to be a good boy and help Mummy don’t you?”
Joe nodded uncertainly.
I slipped the nightie over his head. It fitted perfectly. He looked absolutely adorable. The baby doll nightie came down nearly to the bottom of his pink plastics panties and with his blond hair and blue eyes he looked the picture of baby innocence.
Joey looked down trying to read what the words were on the front of his nightie. “What do they say Mummy?”
” They say ‘GIRL POWER RULES’ which means Mummy and Aunty Sue are the big people in
charge of you, and that means your quite safe and we will look after our little boy. Isn’t that
nice?”
Joe nodded happily.
“All you have to do is be an obedient little boy, can you do that for Mummy and Aunty Sue?”
“Yes Mummy.” said Joey.
“Good boy.” I said warmly, “And Aunty Sue bought you that nice nightie, what do you say to Aunty Sue?
“Thank you Aunty Sue”
“That’s all right little one, you look just the sweetest little baby, and such a big help to Mummy.” smiled Sue.
Joe stood there shyly fingering the bottom of his nightie clearly enjoying all the attention and approval he was getting.
“Would you like to have a play time with your toys before bed?” I said.
Eagerly Joey said he would.

To be honest It was hard to keep my eyes of him as he crawled around the floor happily playing with his toys, his little pink plastic panty encased bottom looking so cute peeking out from underneath his nightie, and to tell the truth he did look very girlie, but that was not for him to know.

His objections to wearing the nightie had in the end been easily swept aside and he had accepted my explanation without fuss. Clearly what remaining bits of his adult sexual identity that still existed were pretty weak in the face of our authority. His nightie certainly proclaims the truth for Joey. Girl power rules.

I think Sue has more photos of Joey in his nightie than almost any other outfit. ‘Her poster boy for girl power,’ she said.

Since following Sues advice about not interacting much with Joey when changing him at night his behavior of coming through to my bedroom to tell me his nappy is wet has diminished sharply. Now, two months later, its only once or twice a week, a real blessing.

The other big challenge that has been emerging particularly in the last month, though looking back I can see it has been building for some time is how intellectually boring being a little boy is for him at times. He copes, because emotionally, being my little boy enthralls Joey so much. He has never been as emotionally satisfied and complete as he is now. I have never seen him so happy, so full of joy. It’s wonderful to be living with someone who on the whole, is so happy within himself and so grateful to me. The rewards of being loved by him in the simple, deep and trusting way he does is deeply satisfying to me.

I realize however that I need to cater for his intellectual needs much more. I see him getting frustrated with the limitations of his nursery toys of wooden blocks, and simple picture books. His mind and imagination wants to build things that are just not possible with the
simple ABC blocks he has, and his story picture books now need much more emotional content, albeit in a babyhood context, to keep him engaged. The book problem I have been able to solve by buying books that have a simple relational story between a mother and child or baby and older sister, toddler and teddy etc It is always instructive to discover what stories are his favorites and when he finds one he loves, he wants me to read it to him again and again and again, until I wonder what deep therapy is going on.

The toy problem was solved with a stroke of good luck. I came across a huge lot of castle lego on ebay which I bought for a very good price. Joey will happily play for hours building castles and villages using his imagination to weave stories as he goes. When he tires of that
and I see no sign of it at present I will move him on to space lego or machine lego. I can now see years of happy play times ahead for him.

So as you can see despite the challenges things are going really well for us and we are happy. Sometimes I have this irrational fear that we are too happy and something will come along to snatch it away. Sue says that I worry too much. I will update you again in another few months.

9th Oct
I have met Jason’s boss a couple of times at social functions his firm held and Jocelyn and I have always got on very well, so I had little hesitation ringing her and asking if I could meet her for lunch sometime next week. One of the things that have been a niggling concern is how regressing Jason to be my baby would affect his state of mind at work. Would he for example under stress start sucking his thumb, or would he forget when he had no nappy on and wet his trousers in front of his work colleagues? Would he be able to keep his two lives separate? I was eager to find out why he had been promoted.

We met at Big Julies Café and I could see that Jocelyn was curious about why I had asked to see her, but we both chatted about the weather and other inconsequential stuff and Jocelyn with the quiet patience that is characteristic of her waited. Once our food arrived and when we were comfortably into our meal I explained to her the purpose of this meeting. “The truth is Jocelyn, over the last six months there has been some changes at home between Jason and me, changes for the better I hasten to add, and I am curious about whether those changes at home also may have impacted at work and I wondered if you might tell me why Jason was given a promotion.”

Jocelyn looked at me thoughtfully for a moment before she gave a quiet smile. “Jason has always been a talented marketer Wendy, in fact he would have been promoted earlier except for the fact his team leaders, and he has had two now, have both commented on how difficult Jason found it to take direction. It may have been because they were in both cases women, it may have been because Jasons conscious that he shorter than most of the men and women in the office and was trying to compensate, I just don’t know. As I said Jason is talented, but in an organization that has a very collaborative style Jason’s relationships were often abrasive.” Encouraged by my nod of understanding she continued, “You see Wendy, in a team situation it’s just as important to listen as it is to give your point of view, and Jason was not good at listening especially to the women on the team. When he gave his opinion, which was often worth listening to, he gave it with a kind of,” – Jocelyn paused.
“Arrogance?” I said.
She laughed, “I was going to say superiority but arrogance fits very well.”
“So what has changed?” I said.
“Well over the last few months its as though he has had a revelation, he now listens respectfully to his team members especially women. When he offers his opinions it is with a new humility, even with the girls in the secretarial section he now uses the words please and thank you, and that was a rare occurrence. Don’t get me wrong Wendy, I am not saying Jason was a nasty person, he is often kind and generous but he is a different person now. Do I detect a wife’s hand behind this transformation?”
I smiled, “Perhaps more a Mummy’s hand,” I said.
Jocelyn looked puzzled for a minute, slowly nodded and smiled, the twinkle returning to her clear blue eyes, “Yes sometimes the answer to going forward is to go back, isn’t it.” There was another pause, “Well” she said briskly, “I must be getting back to the office. It has been nice meeting with you Wendy”
“Like wise” I said, “and Jocelyn do you mind if we keep our conversation confidential?”
“Of course my dear, and Wendy, well done!”

Sandra wanted a blow by-blow account of my conversation with Joe’s boss and of course I gave it. To say that we were both very pleased with ourselves is probably an understatement but for Sandra I think this conversation was particularly validating of her feminist views. She sees Joe’s promotion as another example of how most if not all men would benefit from being put back into nappies and put under the authority of a woman’s training again. Nursery therapy she called it.

Over the last month I cannot think of one incident where Jason has tried to act like an adult in his relationship with Sandra or I. After six months of being a baby, Joe has settled more and more into his toddler identity to such an extent I think that most of the time he barely recognizes how babyish he has become. I for my part am delighting in my mummy role.

It has been fascinating for me to see his personality change, and much for the better I might add. Gone is the arrogance and it’s place a new humility. The assumption of male superiority has been well and truly replaced with a sense of grateful dependency on Sandra and my care of him. There is a joy and contentment emerging in his life that I have never seen before. It’s like a world of wonder is opening up before him. I feel proud of his progress in those babyhood tasks he missed out on and the key role we have played in his transformation. We are the center of his universe for both his physical and emotional needs. He is always eager to win our praise and as for his physical needs he is learning if he wants something to eat or drink, his nappy changed, or to watch a video, in fact almost anything, he must ask us. We are his gatekeepers, the source of his comfort and pleasure. He is gradually becoming a Mummies boy and in that role he is feeling increasingly safe, secure, and happy.

For my part I have now completely stopped thinking of him as my husband, or a man at all. Of course my eyes see a physically grown male but one dressed in a nappy and plastic panties crawling around the floor playing with his toys, calling me Mummy, and coming to me to be nursed and have his nappy changed all of which kind of ruins the husband and man image for me somewhat! I think I primarily relate to the world through my feelings, and what I feel for Jason is a mothers love for toddler and so that is how I relate to him. Its that simple.

Sandra has never had any problem seeing Jason as a two year old, in fact she doesn’t have much problem in seeing most males as babies. For her there is genuine satisfaction in the contradiction of seeing a powerful adult male but one who is now reduced to being a baby in nappies, knowing she has helped return him to babyhood by overwhelming his masculine power through her feminine power.

29th Sept.
When Joe came home from work tonight he was the most excited I had seen him for a long time. Clearly he had some good news to tell me but he knows that it’s nappy on first before anything else. I had hardly pulled his plastic panties up over his nappy when he said.” Guess what Mummy”
I said “What’s that sweetheart?”
“Mummy I got a promotion today!”
“You must have you been a VERY good boy at work!” I said.
“I have been Mummy,” said Jason with big wide shinny eyes.
“Well Mummy is very proud of her little boy.” And I gave him a big squeezy hug and a motherly pat on his padded bottom.
That night he had some ice cream for desert as a special celebratory treat and we both gave him a clap and told him how proud we were of him. The fact that his Mummy and Aunty Sandra, the two most important people in his life were pleased with him, meant more to him I think than any promotion.

20th Sept
I have just finished reading over my diary and I realize what huge changes Joe has undergone. One of the big changes is the way he relates to my body. I I think partly it’s because my rejection of his advances was so complete that he has never tried it again, but also his image of himself as my little boy is now so much more dominate that I don’t think he even gives it a thought. He loves my body but he loves it in the way a baby loves a mother’s body, all kisses and cuddles and breasts to nuzzle.

Of course the way I relate to his body has also changed. To begin with it was very conscious and very deliberate, but more and more it seems to flow naturally from a deeply maternal part of me. For example I realized the other day that when I give Joey a hug or cuddle I always give his bottom a little pats, something you would not typically do with a teenager or adult. It is though instinctively I have made adjustments. Like wise I never kiss him in the lips its always on some other part of his body like his cheek or forehead or when changing him, his tummy.

19th Sept
Most days Joey assumes his little boy idenity as soon as he steps in the house or indeed just seeing Sue or I will usuallydo it. Lately however Joey has been preoccupied with work problems and some days I can see he finds it much harder to jettison his adult mindset. Sue and I then have had to work a little harder at helping him, not that we mind, we see it as a challenge and enjoy regressing him.

On those days we will often incorporate little games like peek- a -boo or this little pig went to market or inky winky spider while changing him out of his work clothes into his baby toddler clothes until he is totally submerged in giggles. Sue is particularly good at this and several times he has laughed so much that poor little Joey wet himself as we watched on, much to our amusement.

Touch, along with the scent of baby oil and powder is very powerful especially combined with the right words. Without wanting to sound boastful I have become even more skilful and can play Joey’s body like an instrument. Every nappy changing time is a unique experience and Joey never knows totally what might happen.

15th of September

The star chart is going very well. Not only is it effective as a training tool, it builds Joey’s self esteem. Sue and I find it hard to hide our amusement at how proud he is of his star chart. Often he will just standing in front of it looking at all his little achievements or counting the number of stars he has. The other day I came into the bedroom and there he was standing in front of his chart again and he turned to me and said with such longing in his voice, “Are you proud of me Mummy?” It touched my heart, and bought a lump to my throat. Given his failure as a man in my life I think his star chart has become proof that at last, he is successful in my eyes, even though it is as a little boy. I took him in my arms and then looked down into his upturned wistful eyes and said. “Mummy is so very proud of her good little boy. I don’t know what I would do without you. You are the best little boy in the world.” The look of joy that came over his face is hard to describe, you would think I had given him the best present in the world. Perhaps I had, but the truth is I am enjoying having Joey, more than I ever thought.

In talking to Sue about his enjoyment of his Star Chart she reminded me that according to Child development theorist Eric Erikson the social/ emotional developmental task in the first year of a baby’s life centers around trust versus distrust. If this task is met successfully the baby will fundamentally view the world as a safe place, a place they can trust and move confidently forward in. The second developmental task, beginning somewhere about the second year of life year is shame versus autonomy. If this task is met the toddler will face the world with a feeling that they are able to achieve things as opposed to the feeling of shame, failure, and inadequacy. Sue felt that Joey’s original experiences as a baby had not sufficiently supported his progress through either of those tasks. In a very real sense Joey was trying again to complete those babyhood developmental tasks. To be successful he would need to experience again what it was like to be absolutely dependent on a woman’s care and find that care to be totally reliable and trustworthy. Secondly he needed to be given little tasks which he was able to succeed at and then be applauded for, giving him a feeling of confidence and success. This is exactly what the star chart is achieving.
All this makes a lot of sense to me, and has imbued my role as his Mummy with a new sense of importance and value.

28th August

It’s almost four months now since I told Joe that he had to choose between being a full time adult or a full time toddler. We have been working hard on making sure that his relationship with both Sandra and I is totally infantilized. Jason has become more and more at home with his new status and I’m pleased to say is on the whole a happy little boy, obedient and loving.

Yesterday however we had a little incident where Jason was very defiant and had to be disciplined. It was Sunday morning, my Mum who lives about three hours drive away had not been very well and I decided it would be a good ideas if Jason and I went over to visit her. Usually if it’s just Jason and I when I’m driving around town, Jason is allowed to sit in the front next to me, but on long journeys he has to sit in the back like little children do. If Aunty Sandra is with us he naturally accepts that the adults sit in the front and he is okay about sitting in the back, but he hates sitting in the back by himself on a long journey if there is a spare seat next to me. He likes to sit beside me. Anyway, he refused to sit in the back demanding that he sit in the front with Mummy. I tried to explain that it’s not safe for little children to sit in the front when the car is going fast. I put his teddy in the back and told him that teddy was riding in the back and was waiting for him. That didn’t work either. He wanted teddy to sit in the front with him. Aunty Sandra came out to try to talk to him but to no avail. He wanted his own way no matter what anyone said. I could not allow that to happen. I took him inside, took all his adult clothes of leaving him in just his nappy, and nursery print Tee shirt and sat him on the naughty mat in the middle of the lounge. I told him he was being a very naughty little boy and until he decided to act like a big boy and obey Mummy he would have to stay on the naughty mat even if he sat there all day. I then left him, rang my mother and told her that we had been delayed. Sandra and I totally ignored him, making a point to cheerfully and unconcernedly chat away with each other. Of course out of the corner of my eye I was monitoring his response. It was fascinating to watch. First he just sat their sulking then I could see him getting restless, then with no attention being shown him at all I could see he was getting anxious and he began to suck his thumb. Finally after about twenty minutes he called out but not very loudly, “I’m sorry Mummy” I ignored him. A moment later he called out even more loudly “I’m sorry Mummy.” I still ignored him. I was not going to make this easy for him. The next time he called I could tell he was near tears and I went through to him and stood in front of him. He looked up at me and I could see the tears forming in his eyes and his thumb had found it’s way back to his mouth. I crouched down beside him and said “What are you sorry for Jason?”
“Sorry for not obeying you Mummy”
I looked at him sadly. “Mummy’s very disappointed in you Jason”
Jason burst into a flood of tears “I just wanted to to to sit with you.” he blubbered. He looked so miserable but I knew that these early battles had to be won decisively.
“I know that it is hard for little children to understand grown-ups sometimes because they are still so little but Mummy always has a good reason why she tells you to do something, that’s why you must always obey Mummy even if you don’t want to or don’t understand. All right little one.” I said gently.
Jason nodded.
“Good boy, you can give Mummy a hug now.” Jason fell into my arms and just clung there. After a few minutes I said, “It’s all right now, lets get you out of those wet nappies and into some dry ones and on the road to Nana shall we?”

The thing that pleased Sandra and I about this incident was that even though Jason was being naughty he was being naughty in a typical little boy way about a typically childish thing, and that says a lot about how infantilized Joe has become.
These type of incidents however are quite rare with Jason, perhaps only about one every two or three weeks. Initially I was worried that I might not be able to handle his little tantrums but I have grown in confidence and indeed quite look forward to them as they are always important learning times for him. I’m also sure my confidence communicates itself to Jason and reinforces my natural authority over him.

2nd of September
I was in a camping equipment shop today and I saw one of those flat-folding cushions that you put on camp chairs to make them more comfortable. This one was obviously designed to appeal to little children because it had teddies dressed like cowboys on it. I thought it would be just right as a little booster-type baby seat in the back of the car for Jason. I was sure he would love it and maybe he would feel better about sitting in the back of the car if he had his own special seat. It worked a treat, Jason was absolutely delighted. He couldn’t wait to try it out. I still can hardly believe sometimes how genuinely and naturally infantile Jason is.

7th September

It was Sandra who suggested that we use a star chart to further train Jason. She had noticed that sometimes he wasn’t very good at picking up his toys and she felt that it was time to give him little jobs to do. I agreed and together we designed a really attractive star chart for him. It was titled ‘MUMMY’S BIG BOY STAR CHART.’ Down the side were a list of four little tasks, picking up toys every night after his play time, saying please and thank you, saying ‘excuse me’ before getting down from the table, and helping set the table for dinner. Every time he does one of those things he gets a star sticker, when he gets 5 stars for any one thing he gets a teddy bear sticker and when he gets ten stickers for any one thing he can stay up an extra half-hour after his usual 8.30 bedtime.

18th Aug
Sandra had an interview at the new pre school. It is almost next door to where Jason works. She thought it went well. Have told her that if she gets the job I would love her to stay with us.

19th Aug
Sandra was phoned today, offered the job and has accepted it. I am absolutely delighted!
Told Jason today that Aunty Sandra had got a job at the new preschool in Kay Road just down from his work and that she was going to come and live with us.
Jason said that he didn’t want Aunty Sandra to stay all the time. I was surprised as they have been getting on really well. Perhaps it was more the realization that a few months ago he would have assumed he had the final word on this decision, now he had no say at all.
I patiently explained to Jason that with Aunty Sandra living here he would have someone to read him stories and play with him while Mummy was getting the meal at night or when Aunty Sandra was getting the meal I could play with him.
“And sweetheart I don’t have a man about the place to help with jobs any more, having an other adult to talk to and help out is important for Mummy”
Jason looked up at me, little tears beginning to form in his eyes, “But I can do things for you Mummy” he said desperate to salvage some pride.
I told him that was very sweet of him but that a little boy can’t do what an adult can. He looked thoroughly crestfallen but cheered up when I said he could still be a big help by being Mummy’s little helper and doing what I asked him to

I have talked to Sandra about the fact that I have never specifically made going to the toilet actually out of bounds for Jason, to do wees. There are two reasons, firstly, it has not been necessary. The fact is Jason loves wearing nappies and enjoys wetting them. Secondly, I do not want to give Jason a place to hide in his mind by him telling himself he has to wear nappies because Mummy won’t allow him to go to the toilet. This way he is forced to be honest and acknowledge that he wears a nappy and wets it, not because someone makes him, but because it’s an authentic expression emotionally of what he is. It’s what toddlers naturally do, and it feels appropriate and comfortable to him precisely because he is still a baby at heart and it’s because he is a baby at heart that he needs a Mummy to look after him and be in charge.

Incidentally talking about no place to hide, a few weeks ago I began giving Jason a vitamin ‘C’ tablet morning and night because he was developing a few sniffles. The sniffles have gone but I have kept him on the tablets because the effect is to color his wetties quite a bright yellow. I was amused the other day to watch the yellow stain spread over the front of his nappy. It was clearly visible through his translucent plastic panties, making his infantile behavior even more visible to everyone, giving both Sandra and I opportunities to engage him in some comments to each other in his hearing such as “Oh oh I see our little baby is wetting is nappy. Doesn’t he look cute! Shall we change him now or later?” It’s important for him that he constantly hears us talking about him as a baby if he is going to develop a strong baby self-image.

When I change him out of his big boy panties after work any little wettie marks show up really clearly on the white panties he now has to wear after he changes out of his nappy at work. It’s impossible for him to hide even the slightest accident and provides an opportunity for some lighthearted teasing. It’s like a flirtatious dance with words, playing with emotions such as acceptance, shame affirmation, humor, with hints of disapproval, and exasperation. It’s great fun and plays an important role in reinforcing his infantile identity and his dependence on me. I am sure he enjoys these times as much as I do because the end result is always the same for him a deeper sense of gratitude to me for my care of him. Typical of those conversations would be the following as he lays down on the changing mat as soon as he gets home so I can change him out of his work clothes and get him into his baby clothes. Having taken his trousers of I can see whether his panties have been wet or not. If they have I would say something like ;
“Did my little boy wet his panties?”
“Yes Mummy”
“I thought you were trying to be a big boy when at work” I say with a concerned tone.
“I am Mummy”
“Well wetting your panties is not what a big boy does, is it darling?”
“No Mummy”
“What would happen if people at work knew you still wet your pants?”
“They might laugh at me”
“I think they would! After all, they think you are a big person don’t they sweetheart? But your just a little boy who can’t keep his panties dry, aren’t you.”
“I try to keep them, dry Mummy”
“It’s all right darling,” I say with a sigh. “Mummy knows your doing your best, she understands that you’re not a grown-up yet and you’re not really ready for big boys underpants. You are home now so you don’t have to pretend anymore. Shall we get these off you and put you in your nappies?”
“Yes Mummy”
“Yes please, Mummy” I corrected.
“Yes please Mummy”
“Lift up now, that’s my good little baby” I slip his panties off. “Where do these go?”
“In the nappy bucket Mummy.”
“Can you put them in the bucket for Mummy, when she is finished changing you?”
“Yes Mummy”
“Good boy. Whose Mummy’s little helper?”
“I am”
I blow on his tummy and he breaks into giggles. I so enjoy these times.
“What comes next?” I ask.
“Baby oil.”
“But where is the baby?” I tease, looking around the room.
“I am.” Joe laughs. “It’s me.”
“Are you sure?” I say doubtfully. “Babies nurse from their mummy, do you Nurse from your Mummy?
“Yeth Mummy”
“And babies wear a bib at meal times, do you wear a bib?”
“Yeth Mummy”
“And babies play on the floor with their toys, do you play on the floor with your toys?”
“Yeth Mummy”
“Then you must be Mummy’s very own little baby boy,” I say with mock surprise.
Jason always laughs with Joy when I say that.
“And Mummy loves her little boy very much”
Jason with eyes now big and shiny with love always says, “I love you too Mummy.”
“Now what comes next?” I ask.
“My nappy”
“Clever Boy”
“And what sounds do the duckies make” I hold up the nappy pins so he can see.
“Quack Quack,” he says
“I think you are the most clever little boy I know!”
I then hold up two plastic panties and he is allowed to choose which color or pattern he wants.
These nappy changing times have become more fun than either of us could have imagined and deeply bonding

It has been a week now since Sandra’s arrival and the amazing thing is there has not been one adult conversation between Sandra and Jason. Several times Jason has tried but Sandra always with great skill immediately gets it back on an adult child level. I think Jason has now given up and accepted that Aunty Sandra only sees him as a little boy. Within time he will come to accept her natural authority over him because in the world of the nursery, and our home is his nursery now, women rule.

August the 5th

By common agreement, Sandra has not been involved in Jason’s nappy changes at all.
Jason is still very ashamed and resistant about anyone but me doing this. I can only assume that he has attached to this act some sort of male pride which while not logical, (but as Sandra says when was male pride ever logical)is never the less very real. We both talk to him and treat him like a little boy. He is dressed like one and he plays like one, but fundamentally he still views himself as an adult who is pretending that he is a little boy, rather than as we do, a little boy who is allowed to pretend that he is an adult when at work or when others are around. His sense of adult sexuality, compromised as it is, still hangs on with some resilience. I predict however when he finally allows Aunty Sandra to change him, another inner wall of his defenses will be breached and the image of himself as an adult who is just pretending that he is a baby will have become more indefensible in his own mind.

August the 6th

Have invited Sandra to stay on for another couple of weeks to help with Jason’s training. She readily accepted and said she hasn’t had so much fun in years. She says she is thinking seriously about getting her own man to turn into a baby when she returns home and has a number of candidates in mind. For my part, I am really enjoying her company and will be sorry when she goes.

July The 25th

I once read that what we wear tells us where we are going even before we consciously know the destination. Well, Jason’s destination is to be my little boy, it’s back to the nursery for him and it is important that his clothes support that journey. The nappy, which I make sure he is wearing whenever he’s in my presence, is a powerful reminder to him of his status in my eyes, and a wet nappy of his state of dependence on me. Every morning when he leaves me to go to work dressed in his grown-up clothes, they conceal his inner secret. Every time he moves he is made conscious of that secret hidden beneath his clothes.

Today after work I took Jason down to the mall to get him some much-needed little clothes and I wanted him to be part of choosing them. We first went to a specialist sewing shop where they had a large section of cloth figures that you could glue or sew onto clothes. They had a particularly delightful nursery motif section. Jason chose three pictures. One of a toddler sitting on the floor dressed just in a nappy playing with some ABC blocks, the next was a fun one of a teddy on a swing, and the third was of a head shot of a little one snuggling up to Mummy. We then bought three white tee shirts to sew the pictures on. Next, we went to a men’s shop and I bought him two-track pants large enough to go over his cloth nappies and plastics. I also bought six white underpants to replace his mostly colored ones. These are for him to change into at work mid-morning when he changes out of his wet nappy. Jason wanted color ones but I insisted on white, that way I can more easily monitor if my little one has had any little accidents when I change him back into his nappy when he gets home in the evening. Lastly, we went to a department store and bought him a plastic bowl with Bambi on it, a plate with Peter Pan, and a feeder cup with Tinker Bell on it. He loved them! My final purchase was the most gorgeous nappy bag I have ever seen. It had a white background with pictures all over it of cutest looking toddlers playing with trains, trucks, airplanes, blocks, teddies, etc. It was a nice big size with separate pockets for wet and dry nappies, babies bottle, num num, baby wipes etc. just perfect for our trip tomorrow to pick up Sandra from the airport.

I’m so grateful for the guidelines Sandra and I have worked out for training Jason. The next few days are going to be very important in establishing boundaries and routines for my little boy. I keep discovering practical things I need to attend to now I have a full time baby. The other day for example when I sent him of to work in his disposable nappy I forgot to put in his brief case a plastic bag for his wet nappy. When he took it of mid morning and put on his big boy undies [those I had put in his brief case!] he felt he had nowhere safe to put his wet nappy. In the end he stuffed them at the back of his desk draw and at lunchtime went for a walk to a near by park and put them in a bin.

He has never worn nappies to work before and so the first couple of days he was worried that someone might notice. Building up his confidence so that he knows he can safely wear his nappies anywhere as long as he doesn’t over wet them, is one of the little developmental task ahead of him. I need to be careful that I pace things at a level that little Jason can handle.

When he arrived home from work on that first night, he was really stressed. When he come in the door I said “How’s Mummies little boy” and opened up my arms. He came immediately and snuggled his head under my chin, [one of the many advantages of me being so much taller than him] and as I put my arms around him and began to pat him on the back in a motherly and way he burst into tears. I immediately thought that something terrible had happened at work but it was just the tension of him not knowing what to do with his wet nappy and that someone might have discovered it before he had time to dispose of it. I led him to the bedroom changed him out of what I refer to his ’ pretending clothes’ and put him in his nappy, plastic panties and nursery print Tee shirt. I bought him a bottle of warm milk and as I nursed him I gently reassured that it won’t be long before he feels as relaxed in his nappy at work as he does at home. I then tucked him up with his teddy and told him he could have a little nap before dinner. When I checked back on him twenty minutes later he was fast asleep. The poor darling was just exhausted. I think the last twenty-four hours have been a big shock for the little chap.

I rang Sandra tonight and she commiserated with me about Jason’s infertility and complimented me on how well I had handled the conversation with Jason. She rightly pointed out that although a good start had been made we needed to take full advantage of what she felt would be a ‘honeymoon’ period which may only last a few weeks. Then like all little boys he was bound to push the boundaries especially as the implications of what he was losing sunk in, and he tried to assert again some adult authority in the home. In the end for his sake and mine those attempts need to be not just defeated but crushed in such a manner that he never has the confidence to go there again. The rest of the phone conversation was spent discussing how we would extract maximum benefit from Sandra’s stay with us. It’s just three days away now.

Since our visit to the clinic Jason has been acting a lot more insecure and when he is like that he gets clingy. I have not been in the mood to provide the comfort he wants and that has made him even more anxious, to the point he is under my feet all the time trying to please me. I know he feels desperate for a cuddle and a kind word. Finally tonight in bed I relented and took him in my arms and gave him a cuddle. He just broke down and sobbed, great heaving sobs, telling me he was sorry he couldn’t give me a baby saying that he was terrified I would leave him. I put him to my breast to calm him down and when he was settled, I told him to stop nursing and that I wanted to talk to him. I told him that if our relationship was to survive it had to change, that I needed a more honest relationship with him. I told him that it was harder and harder for me to see him as a real man. How could I when he’s far more interested in nursing at my breast than making love like a man? And that when he does make love he can’t even ejaculate without me patting him on the back like I was burping a baby. “Tell me why that is I demanded”, but he just shook his head and mumbled that he didn’t know. I said to him “See you can’t even be honest with me. Let me tell you why that works for you. It’s because even though your body is making love to your wife in your imagination you are a little boy being cared for by me as your Mummy. What are you imagining Jason, me changing your nappy or nursing you? It must be something like that because when I hold you like a little baby and pat your back like one you get so excited you ejaculate. That’s not making love like a man! It’s a sham Jason and now I find that your semen is useless anyway, again the appearance is there but the reality is that functionally your still a little boy, and Jason, I have given up thinking you will ever be anything else or even expecting that some day you might just grow up. I can adjust to that Jason, I really can, but what really upsets me, is for reasons better known to yourself you then change in to this egotistical macho male, which quite frankly looks more and more ridiculous the longer I live with you. I cannot, and Jason, I will not live like it any longer.”
It’s not often Jason has seen me so assertive, I could see he was afraid, but I didn’t care.
Finally after a long silence he said in a whisper “But I don’t know what to do any more”
I said, “That’s the first deeply honest thing you have said all evening so lets start from there shall we?” Jason nodded.

“Tell me another honest thing Jason, because this is choosing time for you. What do you want most? Do you want me to be your Mummy or your wife, because I am not prepared to be both any more.
Jason looked desperate ” I can’t stop being a little boy I have tried, you know that” “So what does that mean Jason, that you want me as your Mummy more than a wife?
Jason nodded shame faced.

I looked at him with gentle eyes. “I knew that sweetheart, but you needed to acknowledge it.”
“But I don’t want to be a little boy all the time.” He said rather sulkily.
“I know it will take some time for you to adjust sweetheart, but Mummy and Aunty Sandra will help you. Mummy’s going to be in charge now, and she knows what to do. You’re going to be quite safe as long as you obey Mummy.”
Over the next hour he asked me a number of questions and I reassured him he was allowed to play grown ups when others were around and of course when he was at work, but when he is just with me [or Sandra ]just Sandra he will be treated like a two year old baby.

Poor Jason, He had been so anxious during our conversation that he wet in his pajama pants, which I did not discover until the morning when I put him in a nappy and sent him of to work. He had lain there all night in wet pants and with a wet patch on the sheet and he was too ashamed to tell me about it. Well I have plans that will solve that problem for him!
My plan at long last is underway. Perhaps I needed the energy my anger gave me.

Feeling calmer today after talking with Sandra and having a surprisingly good night sleep. I realize that some of my anger towards Jason may be a bit irrational after all it’s not really his fault he’s infertile. On the other hand my determination to change our relationship is stronger than ever. His action of throwing away the pamphlet on being a donor recipient without even discussing it with me, is typical male arrogance, as though my thoughts and feelings were not important Well Jason got a few lessons to learn and he is going to go back to the nursery to learn them. By the time Sandra and I have finished with him he will have learnt a bit of humility and come to understand that in the nursery, women rule, and pleasing Mummy or baby sitter is the most important thing a little boy can do.

Picked up Jason after work yesterday for our appointment. When we got there we were ushered straight into the Doctors room. The Doctor, a kindly looking man in his mid fifties gently explained to us both that there was no point in us proceeding as Jasons sperm count was so low that he was basically infertile. He talked to us for another twenty minutes telling us that an other option was that we could use another donors semen and that they could do a good match in terms of Jasons hair and eye colour, education level etc.

I was in such a state of shock that I didn’t take in much of what he was saying. It had never occurred to me that Jason was infertile I had naively assumed that if Jason was able to produce semen then we were okay, but apparently not. He gave us a pamphlet to take home explaining the donor service.

Neither of us said much as we drove home. I felt angry and I still do. I feel betrayed by Jason. I really wonder if his inability to produce sperm is caused by his deep immaturity, his desire to be a baby himself, the subconscious can have a powerful effect on the body. The truth is Jason is a sham of a man, it’s all outward appearance and no substance. Instead of wanting to claim me, possess me, and love me as his woman, he wants me to be his Mummy, to but him in a nappy, nurse him at my breast, talk to him as if he were an infant and then when he feels ashamed of his infantile behavior he comes across with his macho domineering stuff. The last straw for me was last night, without asking me, he threw the pamphlet we had been given on getting donor semen into the waste paper basket. I found it some hours later. He hadn’t even discussed it with me before he had decided that we would not go down that road because HE did not want another mans semen in my body. No thought for me, or what I want. I am more determined than ever things are going to change.

3rd July.
Have made contact with the sperm bank and we have an initial appointment on Wednesday.

6th July
Sandra has been looking at a job up here. There is a brand new preschool opening just one suburb away from us. Here’s hoping she gets it.

10th July
Interview at sperm bank went well. They explained the contract to us and strongly advised us to allow them to do a detailed medical check just to make sure there are no fertility problems. That made sense to us and we agreed even though it would cost a bit more. First they asked lots of questions about our medical history, then Jason had to under go a detailed examination of his testicles, then he was sent to a little booth with a special condom to capture his semen. While that was happening I was under going my own examination by a really nice woman doctor. Poor Jason was away so long I thought I might have to go in there and help him. I was about to do that when he arrived back sample in hand so to speak. He was given a number of condoms to take home because apparently they need a number of samples over a few days because the sperm count can vary lot between samples. Jason will drop the samples in on his way to work in a special container they supplied us with. We have another appointment in eight days time.

Sandra and I have now come to a set of principles that will guide our relationship with Jason, she code named them our Peter Pan Principles, and there purpose is to completely and permanently infantilize Jason’s relationship with us.
They are:
1.We will focus on looking beyond the adult exterior to the little boy within Jason. We will relate exclusively to that little boy, never to the adult. When he looks into the mirror of our responses to him, all he will ever see reflected back is himself as a two year old toddler.
2.When speaking to him we will always use words a little two year old is likely to understand. If something cannot be explained that way it will not be explained and he will be told that he is too young to understand.
3.We will call him ‘Jasey’ or ‘baby’ or some other term of endearment suitable for a little child, but never Jason.
4.Sandra and I will have adult discussions with each other in front of Jasey about cute things we have seen him do and observations about his infantile behavior and so build up a narrative which will add to his self image as a two year old.
5.Discipline will be psychological rather than physical
6.We will treat the little boy kindly and lovingly, using rewards such as star charts. Punishments such as the naughty mat or being returned to an even more infantile state will be used when necessary.
7.We will keep the little boy status of his relationship with us hidden from others as much as possible so he can continue to work and earn
8.Whenever he is in our presence he will be put into a nappy, disposables if we are in a social situation so they can remain hidden under his grown up clothes and in cloth nappies and plastics when alone with us.
9.We will allow him to pretend that he is ‘grown up’ only when at work and when other adults are with us.
10.He will be given very little responsibility for independent choice. He will be trained to ask Mummy’s permission for even basic things like turning on the TV or having something to eat
11.We will work on establishing predictable daily routines for him just as with any toddler.
12. Jasey will constantly be required to verbalize that he is a little boy by the questions we ask him, so he gets used to hearing himself confess that truth.
13. An attitude of gratitude will be encouraged. He will be taught to say thank you to Mummy and Aunty Sandra for treating him like a baby…
14.We will focus on enjoying him and having fun ourselves with him.
15.Trust will be established by making sure we are one hundred percent reliable on the things we make him dependent us for, e.g. changing his wet diapers, giving him food and bottle etc. We will make those things fun for him so he comes to love those baby things and look forward to them.
16.He will have no authority in household planning and decision making, he will just be expected to go along with Mummy’s plans. Any decisions he is asked to contribute to will be appropriate for a two year old.
17.The term being a “big boy” will be deliberately used as both a goal for him to strive for and praise for an action. It will be used in contexts which emphasizes his babyness, so he ends up feeling very pleased and grown up over very infantile acts. For example. “Can you show Mummy what a big boy you are by lying very still when Mummy puts your nappy on?” Or as praise, “Coming to tell Mummy all by yourself that your nappy is wet is such a big boy thing to do!” In the end we want the term “Big Boy’ to be completely recalibrated in his mind so that while he will never be allowed to grow up, he can strive to be a “big boy” for Mummy and Aunty Sandra.
18.We will monitor each others actions with Jasey and if differences or learning points arise for us we will speak privately with each other so we always present a united front. Being Jason’s Mummy I will have the final say in matters of parenting Jasey

July 1st

The following are the routines we will establish with him.
1 As soon as Jasey gets home from work he will be put changed out of his grown up clothes into his nappy and little boy clothes. If we are having visitors he will be put in disposables because they are not obvious under his clothes, and he will be pretending he is a grown up. At all other times he will be put in cloth nappies and plastic panties. We will make sure those changing times are happy times for him reinforcing that he is now just a little boy. Once in his nappy he will be given a bottle or a nurse from my breast.
2 He will wear a bib for all meals and eat from a nursery style plate. His food will be cut up for him and he will eat with a little spoon and drink from a feeder cup or bottle, unless we have visitors
3 Every evening he will have a play time with his toys and will be allowed to watch the videos we have recorded during the day for him, Thomas The Tank Engine, Blues Clues, Teletubbies etc
4 If he wants to do poos he will come and tell me or Sandra and we will take his nappies of and he can go to the potty like a big boy, and then he will come back to us to have his nappy put on again. He is NEVER allowed to take his nappy of himself if one of us is around.
5 We will always dress him in toddler clothes around the home unless visitors are coming…
6 He is not old enough to be given the responsibility of washing himself, so I will give him a bath usually on Monday Wednesday and Saturday nights and wash his little penis area when I change his nappy
7 Bed time will be 8.30
8 In the morning he will be nursed from my breast before he gets up and then given his breakfast. After breakfast his nappy will be taken of and he will be told to go and sit on the potty to do poos. When he is finished he will come to Mummy and I will put him in his disposable nappy ready for him to go to work. I will put in his brief case some white underpants for him to change into during the day when his nappy is wet. He will put his wet nappy in a plastic bag and bring it home in his brief case.

18th June

I have just got of the phone to Sandra, she was delighted that I had managed to use what she called my feminine strength to overcome Jasons male ego problems about her coming to stay. We discussed in depth little Jasey’s responses. Sandra is so supportive and she makes me laugh. She agreed with me that one victory does not win a war. That the big challenge will be, getting Jason to relate to me as mummy’s little boy all the time. This will need to be done by a mixture of seduction, training, educating, and discipline. It means helping Joe see that having a relationship with me as a husband or even as a man, is frankly ridiculous for him, that he is just not mature enough, and that we are both going to be far happier once he accepts that. This will not be easy, he has over 30 years of being socialized as a man and life will continue to throw up many invitations for him to step back into the role as husband and man and some of those invitations will be very attractive because of the privilege they entail. My hope is that as the transformation takes place from Hubby to Bubby he will be less and less aware of those invitations as having anything to do with him. In the end he will come to a point of no return. He will see that there is no way back to being my man and the days of being my little boy his only future.

Over the next few days Sandra and I are going to work on developing some principles that will guide us in relating to Joe.

Had this really significant conversation last night with Jason or rather with baby Jasey which I will relate verbatim as best as I can. Over the last few days, Jason and I had another argument about Sandra coming to stay during which he admitted that he didn’t want Sandra to come because he couldn’t be a little boy while she was in the house. I decided then that I would take the risk and tell him that Sandra already knew that he was a little boy and sometimes wore nappies around the home so he had no need to hide that from her. What made this conversation so successful was that I before I broached the subject with Jason I spent time getting him firmly into his little boy mindset which is a naturally submissive one, so the whole conversation was with Jasey not Jason. I began as soon as he stepped in the door from work. I record the conversation as faithfully as I can, given the passage of a couple of hours. ‘Hello, sweetheart has my little boy had a big day?” He responded straight away hungry for my mother’s love. “Yeth Mummy” “Would my little boy like a nice warm bottle of milk?“Jasey nodded “Well only little boys have a babies bottle. Are you a little boy?” I asked “Yeth Mummy I’m a little boy” “Are you sure? Little boys wear nappies and plastic panties” I said doubtfully, “Have you being playing dress-up with ‘grown up’ clothes?” Jasey nodded “Well I can’t give a babies bottle to some one dressed like a grown-up can I?” I teased “I was just playing pretend Mummy!” “Well, no more pretend games.” I said firmly.” Do you want Mummy to put you back in your real clothes?” “Yeth Mummy” “And can you tell Mummy what they are?” “Um, my nappy, and plastic panties and my tee-shirt with teddy on it” “Clever boy! Come on, hold Mummy’s hand, that’s a good little boy, of to the bedroom we go. Lie down on the bed now, lets get you into your proper clothes, shall we?” “Yeth Mummy” I took of his shoes and sox, making him giggle as I gave his toes a little tickle, then undid his belt and pulled his trousers down and hung them up. Turning back to Jasey, I gave a little frown as I gazed down at the yellow stain on his undies. “What’s this?’ I said pointing to the stain. Jasey looked embarrassed and mumbled, “I had a little accident” “But I thought you were pretending to be a big boy?” “Even big boys have accidents Mummy” “Not every day they don’t!” I said with some severity. Jasey looked anxious and ashamed, ” I didn’t mean to Mummy” “It’s all right sweetheart Mummy’s not cross, she understands you are just a little boy and can’t help it” I could see Jasey battling between gratitude at my acceptance of him and the remnants of his male pride wanting to react to the condescension he heard in my voice. After a moment’s silence during which I removed his stained panties, he mumbled rather defiantly,” I am a grown-up also Mummy” I just smiled and said in the same condescending voice, ” That’s nice sweetheart, you show Mummy what a big boy you are by keeping nice and still while Mummy puts your nappy on you, can you do that for Mummy?” Jasey gave a happy sigh of submission and said “Yeth Mummy.” He lifted up his hips as I slipped the thick cloth nappy under him, pulling it up firmly between his legs holding it in place as I secured it with two very cute yellow ducky nappy pins. “Feet through tunnels sweetheart,” I said as I threaded his plastic panties over his feet and up his legs making sure all of his nappy was tucked inside. “There we are, that feels better, doesn’t it? “Yeth Mummy.” What do you say to Mummy?” Jason looked up at me with huge shining eyes and whispered “ thank you, Mummy” If gratitude is the first form of love, then I have it by the ocean full!

I took his shirt of and rubbed some Johnston’s baby powder on his tummy. The scent is so wonderfully evocative of memory. I pulled the bed spread over him while I went through to the kitchen to heat the baby bottle, returning a few minutes later to tuck him down beside me with his head resting on my breast as I put the teat in his mouth and began to nurse him. Instinctively I made sure that he could see my face and I could feel Jasey drawing sustenance from my quiet loving gaze as he suckled the warm milk from the babies bottle. I have to say that at that moment I felt ambushed once again by my own emotions. There is something very powerful about the absolute trust that my little Jasey gives me, the way he abandons himself to my care. I am beginning to understand there is part of me that longs for a man not driven by Eros, but who would never the less see me as a prize of the greatest value and who would never look at another woman, and I realized I had that in Jasey. Likewise it came as something of a revelation that my own sense of womanliness was about mothering. As I looked down at Jasey, holding him in my nursing arms, I could feel him relax and knew that the harbour he had once lost he had now regained in my arms. I was swept again by a tremendous protectiveness for this person who had entrusted himself to my care and who I was molding and shaping. It may sound ridiculous but I felt Madonna-like, totally good and generous, even beautiful, and yes powerful. I think this was the moment when I deeply acknowledged to myself that I truly wanted him as my baby, that I preferred it that way, that I was really looking forward to all the mothering tasks that hopefully lay ahead of me. I knew he needed me to be, his forever Mummy, which meant of course, he needed to become, my forever little boy. I slipped a little prayer heavenward for strength and wisdom to guide me. After a few minutes, I said very gently and quietly to Jasey. “Sweetheart Mummy got something very important to say to her little boy, can you listen carefully to Mummy while she nurses you?” Jasey nodded. “You know that Mummy loves you very much don’t you?” Jasey nodded again. “Well, some weeks ago Mummy made a decision to talk to someone about her little boy. Mummy was getting desperate to talk to someone and keeping things a secret was not good for Mummy. Mummy needed a friend to talk to so I could look after my little boy even better so I talked to Aunty Sandra. She is someone I can trust, someone who wouldn’t hurt you in any way and she can keep a secret. I know that Aunty Sandra is not married nor does she have any children but she deals with little children all day long in her job and has done lots of babysitting. Aunty Sandra understands little boys and how to care for them. It’s hard for little boys to understand what a Mummy needs and that’s all right, because Mummy’s don’t expect little boy’s to understand grown-up things. All you need to know is that Mummy loves you and that you are quite safe and she would never do anything to hurt you. Do you understand that?” Jasey gave a little nod, but I could tell from his increased sucking that he was anxious. ” Aunty Sandra thinks you are a little cutie and when she comes to stay she will help Mummy look after you. Do you think you can trust Mummy on this?” Jasey gave a little nod. Then he asked, in a little voice, “What if she is not kind to me?” “I am sure that won’t happen, but if she is not kind to you, you can tell Mummy and she will talk to Aunty Sandra so that it never happens again. All right little one?” Jasey nodded. “Good boy, Mummy is very proud of her little boy, and if you have any worries you just come and tell Mummy, all right sweetie?” Jasey nodded again. This conversation I had with Jasey has been really pivotal for me. It has increased my confidence that once I get Jasey into little boy mode I have the maternal skill to get him to agree with what I want. Not only that but what started out as a way of reducing the unpredictability in our relationship is turning out to be really enjoyable. What I need to work on now, is how to keep him permanently as a little boy in his relationship with me. To do so I will need to work out a detailed plan.

Email from Sandra.
Thanks heaps for the photo, of your little boy, he looks so totally involved in his play doesn’t he, and yes of course I won’t show anyone else.
You asked me why I was so accepting and not surprised by your revelations about Jason, and I’ve given it a lot of thought.
Can’t honestly say it was anything about Jason personally that made me not surprised. But when you told me about Jason being an adult baby and on reading about adult babies on the web sites you gave me, it seemed to me the most unsurprising thing in the world. Ever since I was a very little girl I felt that females should be in charge of males, that this should be the natural order of things. Its not fundamentally a matter of being superior its just that in so many ways women are better equipped psychologically to be in charge. When I was at University I had a chance to study matriarchal societies as well as learn to critique our own society from a feminist perspective. The destructiveness of patriarchal societies is over whelming. Violence, crime, drug abuse, child abuse in fact almost any negative statistic you can name is at least ninety percent male. They are the gender which produce the countless weight of misery and heart ache in this world. Why? It’s because males are clearly emotionally and relationally the weaker sex and yet are given the power, it’s a fatal combination. Deep down men know that physical strength apart they are the weaker sex, they may not admit it, but at some level know it to be true. That is why they are afraid of us. They too often make up for their weakness by using physical strength on us. If they can be freed from the burden of pretending that they have to be in charge and surrender to the truth that they need a woman’s care and guidance I believe they will find a place of contentment to live their life. I’ve come to believe most of the men I know would benefit a lot from being put back in nappies and returned to the nursery with a kind but strict Mummy

Perhaps the A.B. community intuitively understand this. The sad thing is so many of them have been socialized to despise that truth, so they end up despising themselves for holding it. What is equally sad is so many women also have been brainwashed and do not know how to use their natural feminine strength to take control of men and socialize them into their proper submissive role.
So I’m with you sister!
Love, Sandra

My birthday today! Got two presents, one from Jason, a lovely scarf, and one from little Jasey, a card. It was really sweet, clearly Jasey had laboured long and hard over this card. On the front he had drawn a pretty picture of me, a stick figure in a bright dress and a happy smile. Inside the card in childish handwriting he had written, “I love you Mummy, you’re the best Mummy in all the world.” Followed by lots of kisses and hug symbols, and I know that this was the present he thought most about and which he had invested the most emotional energy into.
Sandra of course rang me for my birthday and we had a good talk about little Jasey as I now call him when chatting to her. I sometimes find myself talking about him like a proud mother as more and more I make the mental transition from seeing us primarily as husband and wife to seeing him primarily as my little boy and me his Mummy. Jason on the other hand still constantly swings from man to little boy and back again. At least I have another women to share all this with. I no longer feel alone and Sandra is so encouraging.

Both Sandra and I have a school holiday coming up. I have been talking to her about coming to stay for a couple of weeks. Jason thinks that two weeks is far too long and we had a big argument about it last night. I pointed out that he would be at work for most of the time, and I needed something to look forward to during my holidays. Although he hasn’t yet come out and said it, I am sure he is thinking that with Sandra in the house his freedom to be my little boy will almost be non- existent.

Sandra and I have talked some more about her coming to stay. I was honest with her about Jason’s less than enthusiastic response. Her suggestion was that I tell Jason that she knows that he is an adult Baby and Aunty Sandra completely accepts him and that as a preschool teacher is used to looking after little ones. Sandra thinks that no little boy would be able to resist the idea of two women looking after him!
I am not at all sure, I think Jason is going to feel very threatened and betrayed if he found out that I had talked to Sandra about him being a little boy and especially that he enjoys wearing nappies. This is going to take some planning.

Talked to Sandra on the phone tonight. Told her all about Jasey’s birthday party. I think she really enjoyed hearing about all the details, she certainly asked lots of questions. I asked Sandra why she seemed so accepting of Jason as a two year old, and commented on how unsurprised she seemed. Was it anything about him that she noticed on the occasions she had met him over the years? She said she didn’t think so but would give it some thought.
E mailed Sandra a photo I took of Jasey dressed in his nappies and plastic panties playing on the floor with his toys. He was so involved with his play that he was completely unaware of the camera.

Yesterday was Jason’s Thirty fourth birthday a typical low key affair, but this morning we celebrated his birthday as a two year old. I have been doing this for the last three years and I must say it is much more fun than celebrating his adult birthday. I allow him to choose a cake design from a book of children’s birthday cakes. This year he chose a cake designed in the shape of a truck with lollies that filled up the back. We had balloons, a birthday card appropriate for a two year old, plus on display were the ones from the last three years. The interesting thing for me is how real all this is for him, I can’t quite get my head around it. On the one hand he knows he is role playing but on the other hand the emotions he feels seem typical to me of what a two year old would feel, he does not seem to be role playing those at all, they are so very genuine. I played a game of hide and seek with him and the excitement he experienced and the anxiety that he just may not be found are so evident. It’s literally a nappy wetting experience for him! He loved playing pin the tail on the donkey and I organized a treasure hunt of all his favourite little boy things, his teddy, numnum, babies bottle, nappy pins etc. He loved it. I gave him a toy truck as a present that really delighted him and he spent a good thirty minutes or so playing with it completely engrossed and happy in his little boy world. If his friends or work mates could have seen him they would not have believed their eyes! Here is a grown man, with a post graduate degree, who holds a well paid responsible job in a marketing firm dressed in a nappy and plastic panties with a babies bib around his neck contentedly playing with toddler toys, and ABC blocks!

Had a great talk tonight with Sandra re her email. Told her I thought she was being a bit unsympathetic to Jason and men in general with some of her comments. By the end of the conversation I could see that she genuinely felt men as well as women would be happier if women were in charge. Sandra maintains that once free from a patriarchal mindset, men would find their natural place happily under the authority of women and the world would be a much better place for it. She suspects that there are many men like Jason who are seeking a women who will look at them through a loving mothers eyes and redeem them. More than ever before that is what I believe I can do for Jason.

Today I received an email reply from Sandra, Which I have posted below. I’m still digesting her responses, she certainly provides me with a different perspective.

Hi Wendy,
Will ring you Tuesday night, but here are some of my thoughts in response to your email on Jason’s childhood background.

I can see how your heart was captured by Jason’s plight, as I was, but my heart went out to Jason’s Mother even more. It certainly reinforced my preference for not putting myself through the “wonders of pregnancy! Here she was, nearly killed by her own precious son, then when barely conscious four days later, presented with a baby to look after with the joyful prospect of going home to an sixteen month old toddler and a husband who was probably at work all day! I’ve got to say Wendy, if you want a baby, getting one by regressing your husband who is half there anyway, seems a much easier and safer option!

My observations is that men are good at conceiving children but frequently poor at helping look after them leaving the woman to do that work. I suspect this was the case here. Where was her husband when she needed a break? The brief mention the father does get is as a disciplinarian. The father as a nurture figure seems entirely absent. In the bigger picture Jason and his mother are victims of a patriarchal society. Overwhelmingly it is women who pay the price for this and in my view it is almost poetic justice that occasionally males also become victims of their own patriarchal system.

Jason’s inner conflict as well as his oppressive macho attitude come from the same set of patriarchal attitudes which tell him that he should be the leader, he should be in control, and that it is his God given right to be head of the home. No wonder Jason feels conflicted about his need to be babied! The truth he is too terrified to fully embrace is that he still needs a woman to care for him and submit to. Deep down he knows he is not their equal and so cannot compete with them. He avoids the challenge of doing so by either becoming a little baby again, or by covering up his inadequacy through his macho behavior. The simple reality he has demonstrated again and again is when he tries to be in charge, his insecurities lead him to either over compensating by being macho, or the poor little mite feels so overwhelmed that he has to run to you and be put in a nappy and plastic panties to feel safe and secure again.

The thing is, he is trapped and he hasn’t got the emotional maturity to save himself. In the light of his helplessness, the only compassionate thing you can do for him, is to take charge and make him your permanent little boy so he can experience safe maternal care. It is there; back in the nursery, he will find his sense of well- being and safety. That way you also will get the predictability in your relationship with him that is only right and reasonable. You will of course need to break his male pride so he can at last be free to own the truth that his proper place is not as your husband but as your baby. This could be fun! Correctly trained little boy are very adorable. I am looking forward to standing along side you in this important project.
Love Sandra

Hi Sandra,
Here is a bit about Jason’s background that I promised.
Jason’s parents are working class folk, with middle class aspirations for their kids. Hard working pleasant people. Jason has one older sister born sixteen months before Jason. His birth was difficult in fact it was a wonder either mother or baby lived. His mother’s womb burst, she was rushed to hospital and Jason was delivered by cesarean. Pronounced dead, Jason was laid to one side as they worked on saving his mother. It was some minutes later that a nurse noticed that Jason was in fact still alive. It was to be another four days before mother and baby were united.

I believe that the foundation for Jason’s deep sense of abandonment were laid down at that point. His little body would have been flooded by the panic that his mother felt when her womb burst and the subsequent four days with no contact with his mother would have reinforced his anxiety. For Jasons mother her subsequent physical and mental health issues meant that Jason would continue to experience through most of his young childhood times where his mother was inaccessible to him either physically or emotionally. A pattern was established of great emotional closeness followed by separation, a pattern that left Jason desperate to please her and deeply afraid that he would lose her again. He loved her deeply but was afraid of her too.

Her physical discipline of him could at times be unexpected and extreme. For example a sudden smack under the chin with her open hand if she caught him with his mouth open that would leave his tongue bleeding. At other times Jason would be sent to the bathroom where he would have to wait until she came with the leather strap to smack his legs or sometime wait an hour or more until his Dad came home so that he would strap him.

It was the emotional abuse however that has left its deepest wounds on Jason. On a number of occasions his mother would for some minor childhood mistake threaten to send him to a social welfare home for naughty boys. On a number of occasions she would carry this threat though to the point of getting down a suitcase making him help her pack it with his clothes then sit him on his bed next to his packed case Teddy in his arms waiting for the lady for the social welfare home to come and pick him up. He would be sobbing and begging not to be sent away promising her that he would be a good boy for Mummy. She should be crying and saying that she loved him but she had to send him away. Always at the last moment he was given a second chance. From the age of three to five these scenarios were played out on several occasions and he was terrified by them.

Jason has told me that the big lesson he carried with him from those experiences
was that even if your Mummy loved you, and he never doubted that she did, she could still abandon him. He has never felt completely safe with his mother but has never stopped loving her, and amazingly, never blames her.

By the age of six, he had developed an anxiety based speech impediment. In a world that seemed overwhelming and confusing he intuitively came up with the idea that if he could once more be just a little baby, loved and cared for with no expectations on him other than just to be, he could then achieve the emotional safety he so needed. The longing that formed that idea and the idea itself has never left him. His parents sent him to speech therapy and by the age of eleven he had conquered that disability, but not the longing to return to a mothers arms as a baby. As he grew into adolescence his mother was no longer the object of his longings, part of him was separating from her, but subconsciously he was looking for the loving gaze of a mother in every girl he met.

His schooling was hugely disrupted by the numerous shifts of his family, six schools by the time he was twelve, but he emerged at age of twenty two a University graduate, but with a great emotional hole in his life that he did not know how to heal and over which he felt deep shame. He continued to seek relief by wearing nappies and retreating into an imaginary world of maternal nurturing, where he would imagine himself to be a two- year old toddler cared for by a kind and nurturing Mummy.

I met him, as you know, while we were both at University, he doing post- graduate studies. I fell in love with him and he found in me the kindness that gave him the courage to share his story. Rather than repel me his plight captured me. To my love for him was added a sense of mission. I began to mother him, aided I might add by my studies in child development which were a big part of my teacher training. Those studies provided me with much of the intellectual tools to understand this man who was in some deep ways emotionally stuck in toddlerhood.

In the last seven years I have bought to his life deep joy, even ecstasy and a measure of peace and security that was not there before. I feel good about that but I now know that I will never fundamentally be able to change him. His longing to be treated by me as my little boy is hard wired in. I have come to accept that’s the way he is, but he still feels deeply conflicted and ashamed of those needs while at the same time delighting in them.

So there he is, a sort of hybrid man, a Peter Pan with his Wendy, a lost little boy who longs to be a nappy wearing toddler again, a hurt little boy trapped in a mans body. At the same time he does not want to completely give up his adult life, he enjoys his adult friends and does well in his work. The mindset of returning to the nursery where he is cared for by a strong and protective mummy who will change him, nurse him, praise him, train him, discipline him and play with him is however an enduring desire, and one he lives with every day.

My optimism of last week has evaporated a little. What if I’m too successful? What if Jason regresses to such an extent that he cannot function properly at work? Perhaps I am worrying unnecessarily but I will need to make sure that his little boy mindset is restricted to our relationship and does not seep over to his relationships outside the home. At present, even in our relationship Jason sees himself as a man who just sometimes likes to pretend that he is a two year old boy with me as his Mummy. Will he be able to cope when he surrenders that position and sees himself PRIMARILY as a little boy, with me as his full time Mummy and he just pretends that he is a man, when at work or in social situations with others. This will be a fundamental shift in his perception. Will he still be able to cope in the big world as an adult? Its something I will have to watch out for, I just hope that both he and I have the skill to deal with it.

The other thing that is worrying me is that we both want children, admittedly me more than Jason. The further I get a along the road to transforming Jason into my permanent little boy the more inappropriate certain activitys will become. The loss of the these acts does not worry me too much. To be quite honest Jason is not exactly wonderful in that department, a combination I think of the small size and his inadequate technique. These times with Jason has always been only mildly exciting at best and in recent times just painful. It became painful when Jason began to have difficulties achieving deligh, the more he tried the more sore I got and the less confident he became which made him just act more in a frenzy of effort. About eighteen months ago during one of those so called love making sessions I intuitively started to pat him on his back with one hand as if I was burping a baby while positioning my other hand on the back of his head as you would support a new born infant. The response from Jason was almost immediate and ever since I have been able to bring up Jasons little milkies to squirting point using what I have come to think of as the baby burping method and if that doesn’t say something about his subconscious need to be treated like a baby I don’t know what does!

It is however the result of this act I want. I want a child, not just an adult baby like Jason will be. I want a birthed child of my own. I am confident I can look after them both and I know Jason would enjoy some milk coming from those parts he so loves to nurse from. Perhaps we might get lucky in the next few months but we have been trying for five years without success.

17th May
My growing sense of loneliness crystallized for me tonight and I knew I needed to have a friend I could share this journey with. My diary though helpful is no longer enough. This is a big decision as up until this point I have told nobody about Jason being an adult baby. In the end I rang Sandra my dearest and closest friend. I know Jason would be terrified if he knew, but I think it’s for the best and its not something a little boy needs to know about.

Sandra now lives at the other end of the country but we keep in touch at least twice a week by phone and emails. I first met Sandra when we were both doing our training as preschool teachers at the university. She was a few years older than the rest of the class, and she intrigued me. She had already completed a liberal arts degree and then spent the next six years traveling the world working in a wide variety of jobs, before coming home and deciding to do her training as a pre- schoolteacher. I was immediately attracted to her, she was witty, with a faintly cynical approach to life which while I couldn’t match I greatly admired. While I would sit in lectures never dreaming to challenge what the lecturer said she was not afraid to do so and would often interrupt to question a point or bring a feminist view point to the topic. Although courteous she was ruthless if she thought a man was treating a woman in a mysodginistic way. Everyone knew that the little children in her class would get the best of feminist education. Jason and Sandra have meet on a number of occasions, the first was when I invited Jason to a class social event. We were not engaged at the time but our relationship was serious. Sandra and Jason got on well enough until Jason made the mistake of using vulgar language, which Sandra immediately challenged. It was a rocky start but subsequent meetings together have gone well partly because Jason is very careful around her and partly I suspect because Sandra has gone out of her way to be nice to him for my sake.

Sandra’s response to my phone call was superb. She listened as I poured out my heart and tried to explain the nature of infantilism and how it affected Jason and our relationship. She asked good questions, gave no advice but promised to get back to me once she had read the web sites on infantilism that I gave her.

18th May
Another phone conversation with Sandra. She found the web sites on infantilism fascinating. Seemed to be pleased in a satisfied kind of way that so many men wanted to be treated like babies. Made me laugh with some of her comments about sissy babies. It felt good to have a laugh. Somehow it brought a lightness to the situation with Jason that I had not experienced before. Her easy acceptance of Jason as an adult baby pleased me. I had been concerned that it might make her contemptuous of Jason as she can be very critical of men, on the other hand she has a wonderful kindness and warmth toward little children and it was that I was banking on as well as her support of me. She asked me questions about Jason’s childhood and I promised to email her a short history.

I am writing this diary because I have came to a decision about my relationship with Jason, [my husband] which will be far reaching. I make this decision without being sure of the outcome. What I do know is that by the time I have finished transforming our relationship it will be very different from what it is now. I certainly anticipate that this ‘journey’ will contain many twists and turns and thus the diary. If nothing else it will give me a place to record and reflect on our journey. A place where I can be honest about myself, about Jason, and about our relationship. My diary will be my objective stranger that I can confide in and tell my story to. I currently have no one else I feel I can share these things with. I know this will be important as I suspect that things will get very intense from time to time.

I have been married to Jason for six years now. I’m sitting here thinking how I would describe him to a stranger. He is good looking. He’s compact, but with a frame too slight to be described as muscular. Five foot seven in height well proportioned with classical blond hair and blue eyes. My girlfriends describe him as cute. Jason is a good provider and quite simply he loves me with all his heart, which of course is the most endearing quality about him! But this love for me alternates between the love of a nappy wearing little boy that seeksreassurance at my breast and that of an adult male wanting to sexually claim his wife.

I had half known this before we married, but as all lovers do I overestimated the power of my love to change him. For his part he was confident that in the security of our relationship he would at last be able to leave behind his infant longings. It hasn’t happened. He has tried of course. At times he has thrown out all his nappies, plastic panties, and his num num, keeping just his beloved Teddy and some favorite toddlers picture books. Within a few months such has been his feelings of emotional deprivation that he has at considerable cost bought them all again. It is an emotional roller coaster ride for us both.

The absolutely frustrating thing for me is that I never know where I am with him, wife or Mummy. He can change from one day to the next. In fact within a day he will want to be my little boy, calling me Mummy, wearing his nappy, coming to be changed, wanting cuddles, and later he will reject my mothering role and demand to be treated like the head of the house. More than that, he often takes on this loud over confident macho attitude to compensate for his babyness. Just sitting here writing about it I can feel the anger within me. If he could only see how ridiculous his macho stuff is. I suspect he thinks I should be impressed, well I’ve certainly got over that. And another thing when we go to bed I have no idea whether it will be with a man who will claim me as his wife or a little boy who wants me as his Mummy. It’s the uncertainty of it all that is so hard. Emotionally I don’t know where I am with him and it has to change.
The thing is it’s not as though we haven’t tried to put in boundaries. We have experimented with little boy free days, little boy free bed times and so on, but sooner or later I find that he has sneaked teddy into the bed or I find his numnum under his pillow or I discover he is wearing nappies when it’s meant to be a little boy free day. He tearfully asks my forgiveness and the more cross I am with him the more rejected he feels and the more he wants a mummy’s comfort. Even when he manages to keep to the boundaries we agreed on I’m aware of a mute little boy longing for a maternal word of comfort from me. It’s because I know the emotional abuse he suffered at the hands of his biological mother I end up reaching out to him and giving him what he emotionally needs, which he then responds to with puppy like gratitude.

In the end I can see only two solutions. I leave him, and I have at times given serious thought to that or I take charge and insist that wherever he is with me he will be my two- year old. No more switching to being a grown up when he feels like he wants to assert his authority. If he can’t stop being a little boy and wanting me to be his Mummy then it will be better all round if I insist that his relationship with me is permanently that of a little boy. It is this later solution that I have decided on in order to get the consistency and predictability I need in our relationship. The fact is I really love him. He is kind, intelligent, a good provider, and in his own way he is loving and cherishing me with all his heart. Its just that his heart love for me is primarily that of a little boy for his Mummy and I no longer believe he has the capacity to change that.

Implementing this will be a challenge, but if I succeed I will have saved our relationship and given us both a measure of peace and security.I anticipate the initial response from Jason will be one of delight. The crunch will come when he realizes that his authority and status as husband has gone, that he has traded the freedom and power of being a man for the security and comfort of being loved as a baby.

It will mean getting him to a point were he willingly surrenders to me and is maintained in that place of submission by a little boy mind- set which I will help mold. Jason must come to see an adult relationship with me as a distant land permanently out of reach and in the end but a vague memory. To achieve this he will not only need to see that this is the only way our relationship can be saved but given his emotional needs entirely appropriate for him, and given his inability to consistently relate to me as an adult in any intimate way, entirely just. The truth I have come to admit to myself is that I get more enjoyment from his little boy loving than I do from his fumbling attempts as an adult.

I feel encouraged that after months of indecision I have a direction to work on.

Sandras arrival and Jasons first meeting of her since his demotion to a toddler is worth giving a detailed account of.

The airport Sandra flew into is one and a half hours drive away and so early on Saturday morning we set of in the car to pick her up. I dressed Jason in his disposable nappies underneath his work trouser pants and a nice casual shirt for the trip, but packed his cloth nappies and plastics panties to change him into for the trip home.

I suggested to him that because Aunty Sandra would be sitting in the front seat on the way home and he would be in the back by himself he might like to take teddy for company. I was amused to see that before he climbed into the car he put teddy in the back seat and covered him with the car rug, presumably so Sandra wouldn’t see his teddy. I made no comment about this but took note that Jason was still feeling shy and his little cry the other evening after his first day at work in a nappy made me realized that he was still anxious and I needed to be sensitive to that. So I went back into the house and got a spare disposable nappy in case I needed to change him before we got into the airport terminal. I was learning that anxious little boys equals more wet nappies!

Last week after I had put Jason to bed I went to Sandra’s room and lay my head on her shoulder. It was the moment of truth that we had both been moving towards since her arrival. I said to myself, Yes Sandra you can come into my life. You can matter to me.

When we made love I said inside, Sandra you can be my heartbeat. I will always be yours. It feels definitive and final. It’s a no going back decision. It feels like the ultimate gift. It sets us apart for each other.

Since then, we have been impatience each night to put baby Jason to bed.
Our love has become my joy and ecstasy, my writhing and moaning. I carry her with me throughout the day, my bread and drink, my flowers and sunshine, my unconscious smile to unknown faces. I love her.

When I first talked to Jason about how our relationship would change I had no idea that it would take me down the road to another lover. It is such a gift. At that time I talked with him about how our relationship needed to be honest, and to my question as to which he would prefer if he had to choose, Mummy or
wife, he gave a honest answer. Now it is my turn to be honest with him again.

Sandra and I have been careful to keep our love relationship hidden from Jason, but our feelings for each other are difficult to hide. We do not want to live this way. We want to express our love freely and openly to each other in our home with touch and words of endearment and lovers glances. The big unknown is what affect this will have on Jason. Will he see this as the ultimate affront to any remaining sense of manhood and arouse him out of his self image as a toddler to try and claim his wife again? Will he try and break free from the ‘nursery’ to compete with Sandra for my love? The truth is, he could never compete with Sandra, any attempt is doomed to abject failure even before he starts and I don’t want him to experience more failure.

Sandra is convinced I was worrying needlessly, that Jason no longer had the emotional strength to act like a man. I know Jason better than anyone and I am not convinced. I have images of an angry man standing up and trying to force Sandra from the home.

In the end Sandra and I have decided to let our actions speak for themselves. We will not try and explain our relationship to him it would be too much like treating him as an adult and that day is well and truly over for us. This is a matter for grown ups and so we will love each other as we wish in front of him and deal with his reactions when they arise.